It's been three years since I held your hand ... three years since I heard your voice with your loving words of wisdom ... three years since you turned around and entered into the arms of Jesus.
I miss you! There are days I go to "my park" so I can just sit there and talk to you and wonder what words you might say to me. During those times you (along with the lizards and squirrels and other critters at the park) have heard the deep thoughts and feelings inside of me.
Daddy came to visit us in May. There were lots of tears as the reality that you weren't physically with us was huge. I already checked on him today, knowing it would be a difficult day for him ... yet I realized, it really isn't any different for him than any other day ... he misses you EVERY single day!
Yet, when I think about you I see your smile ... I can almost feel your excitement at being in the presence of God and I see you cheerfully welcome your friends as the arrive, thrilled to show them all of what Heaven is like. There's no way I would wish you back from that! I know during those huge moments in our life you are there, celebrating with us ... and during those times that I struggle you are there cheering me on.
By the way, I am on my last pillow you made me ... I've used each one until they literally fall apart. This morning as I was thinking about you, I noticed several tiny holes beginning to appear. I know it won't be much longer until that pillow is gone, as well. Oh the tears those pillows have caught and I am thankful for the love you put into each stitch ... they were very well used.
On this, your anniversary day ... Happy Anniversary! Your husband, kids, grandchildren, siblings, friends, nieces, nephews ... even your cat miss you and love you so very much. It is a comfort to know that you are having a remarkable time with Jesus and one day we will be with you ... for all eternity, where we will never have to say "goodbye" again!
Grandma & Grandpa with some of their grandchildren
You rested all day so you could make the trip to the zoo
I love that I captured this picture of you holding hands with your Sweetheart!
You wouldn't like this picture at all but I love it! Your hair grew back and you couldn't do anything with it. You'd have us fix it and then you'd fuss with it. You look adorable!!!!
Meg and you with the peacock feather!
Until next time ... just hugging my pillow and reveling in the fact that I had you for a Mom!
My son has a great respect for women. He has, whether consciously or not, tried to be the opposite of his father. He is sweet and loving and kind. He is polite and is a gentleman ... opening the doors for women and just doing his best to make sure that he's doing the right thing.
There are times when he gets very frustrated and that is not so pretty. Many of these times occurs when he thinks someone is comparing him to his dad ... which hasn't happened but that's how he perceives it.
Tonight it happened. I certainly didn't mean for it to happen but he was a little stressed from the night's activities (see previous post) and I went to talk to him in his room. He picked up his phone and however he was holding it made me flinch. For a moment I thought he might whip it at me. He spotted that gesture and he lost it ... sobbing in his closet. He has never lifted a hand to me but in the past I had things thrown at me and I suppose it was just a flashback but it caused him pain.
I quickly reassured him that I wasn't fearful of him ... that he wasn't being compared to his dad and I wonder how long my kids will feel the effects of what they've gone through. Seriously God has redeemed us and most days are joyful and we are rejoicing in the healing that has taken place in our lives. Some moments, however, leave us reeling and we remember those things we have worked so hard to get over. Just another way Satan tries to trip us up. May we always be conscious of where those thoughts come from and speak back with truth.
Until next time ... combat lies from the enemy with the Truth of God...
I am not sure what just happened ... but I am glad I spotted it.
As I was waking up this morning I began to feel that we needed to become more intentional as a family. We needed to make an effort to spend more meals at the table than just on special occasions. Many times we eat together ... but typically in the living room so as I awakened I knew today was the day. I didn't want to blink and see that my kids were grown and gone and I missed the opportunity so I secretly set the plan in motion ... tonight would be the night.
Now, typically whenever I plan something special, it seems like something happens to make it go wrong so many times I think I should just plan it and pretend it's spontaneous, thinking it wouldn't jinx it.
Satan has been a little bothersome lately. He doesn't like it when things are going well ... or on the verge of something amazing happening so waits for just the right moment to strike. He's patient like that but this mama does not like it when he tampers with her family.
We got home from a very busy day. Two of my three kids collapsed and fell asleep. I invited them all the help me prepare dinner but I busied myself and was okay (tonight) to do it alone, as I was excited about the new devotional we were going to begin as a family. After I got the girls to set the table (and then one promptly went back to sleep on the sofa) dinner was about to be ready.
I called the kids to come to the table ... I called again ... repeatedly until the half asleep, grumpy and not hungry teenagers approached the table. Hmmmm, not exactly the way I envisioned it but hey, we were all at the table. One child completely ignored all table manners learned growing up as the child practically sprawled out on the table, hoping to satisfy my need for their presence yet very clearly not wanting to be there.
Suddenly ... KABOOM! I was there but have no idea what actually happened. My two children who are typically the closest got into it. One child egging the other on while the other kept leaving the table, despite my requests to return. There was some disrespect going on and I didn't like it at all.
I made sure all children were back to the table and decided we would have our family devotion time. The new plan I wanted to start together wasn't working so I opted for a new one until I could figure out how to access the one I really wanted. Well, God handpicked this one for us, for which I am thankful.
Before I could even begin I left several times to get my one teenager to come back to the table. I informed all the kids that Satan didn't want us to have this time together so we were going to stand united and smack him down together because he most definitely was not going to win my family.
I read the devotional and it was just perfect for me. There's been a few things I was struggling with and God sent me the message of complete trust in Him and take some godly risks. We prayed and the kids all separated into their own safe havens.
I know as the kids anticipate the changes about to happen in our families they may be on edge but I was thankful I could spot the tactics of the enemy and work together to make sure we stood firm and united. I have spoken to both of the offending parties about seeking each other out to discuss the words that were flung. I encouraged them to do it soon because you never know what might happen and they wouldn't want to live in regret.
I hope they are thinking and praying about it ... as I sit in a very silent house. A welcome moment from the chaos that had erupted. I still don't know what happened ... besides exhaustion, teenage attitudes and who knows what. This isn't their typical behavior (praise God).
Tomorrow will go better. I am excited to see how these things will draw us closer together. It did actually warm my heart to see the two who are usually "at it" getting along. One day they all will and my heart will treasure that.
Tonight was real ... but we stood ... wavering a bit ... but firm.
Until next time ... don't let the enemy win ...
Change happens ... we can embrace it ... or we can run ... but it will still happen. Change isn't a bad thing necessarily. Scary? It can be but some changes can be good ... even when we don't realize it at first.
What it really boils down to is this: God has an amazing plan for our lives. Sometimes we have to go through rough spots in order to prepare us and refine us into who we need to be as that plan is fulfilled. Besides, would we really want to remain the same when He has something really amazing for us?
I think for most of us, the reason change can be scary is because of the unknowing. We want to know the next step. We want to know how it'll all work out when we can't see how that could possibly happen. Oh my goodness, it's trust! Hmmm, it seems that word pops up a lot. Trust brings peace. That is what I am learning.
As if I didn't already feel like things were changing, I was reminded again yesterday that we have some pretty real changes happening in our family. I spent a long time on the phone yesterday as I was being informed of all the appointments and necessary pre-op procedures for my son's upcoming surgery. We have no way of fully knowing what he will have to endure at that time. We only KNOW that God will be there ... He will provide the people and all things necessary to see it through ... and my son will come out better and this procedure will be life changing.
At the same time that all of that is happening, we are also taking my oldest daughter to college. The dynamics of our family are about to change yet again. These changes not only affect us at home, but she will be facing a whole new set of changes in college. She doesn't fully know what to expect ... yet we KNOW that God will be there ... He will provide the people and all things necessary to see her through ... and yes, she will come out better by the experiences she will have and the blessing she will be to others.
There are some things that this Mama may not think she's ready for ... but time and again I have seen God working and I know without a doubt that HE provides the way when all else seems impossible.
Over the past few weeks there have been some other changes. Really good changes actually, yet throughout the wait ... throughout the things we need to endure to see His plan fulfilled I honestly had moments where I just wanted to quit and walk away, tired of the wait. Each time He gently reminded me that He gave me a promise and I just need to be patient a little longer. He is working and I am so thankful.
Changes will happen ... but they can be exciting. Just remember, even when they are scary or they aren't the best changes, look for ways His name can be glorified and trust that it's all part of His amazing plan!
Until next time ... don't be afraid of change ...
